There are days when everything is so… right. When the sun has the right amount of shine, when the wind feels soft, when we just feel good.
And then there are days like this. I would not trade the opportunity to raise my grandson for anything in the world. Except for one thing. His mother (my daughter)’s wake up and regained (or maybe gained to begin with) ability to be a fully functioning woman and mother. If I had that, I’d be able to give up raising him. Much of the time, I can separate the two. In fact, I can shove my fear in a corner and ignore it. Mostly.
Then there are days like this one. When I discover that she has posted on some trashbag’s FaceBook page “Earth to baby daddy. Pregnant Girl here. “ There was more but why drag on a painful moment. I don’t know if I feel more like banging my head into a brick wall or just sliding down it for a good cry.
Austin was my first grandchild. Gracie, who has been adopted by a wonderful couple in FL was my second. There was a third, but they were aborted before I knew. (not that that child hasn’t been thrown in my face repeatedly) and now it seems there may be a fourth.
A friend of mine recommended that when I deal with my daughter, I should ask myself, What Would Jesus Do. I nearly came out of my skin on that one. WTF? That kind of thinking contributed to this to begin with! I tried so hard to help her every time she had a problem that I helped to keep her from learning how to be responsible. For those of you who are blessed to have never had to deal with an addict, there are a few things you need to know.
1. THEY LIE
2. THEY LIE
3. THEY LIE
4. They blame everyone and everything but themselves.
5. They steal
6. Then they steal again
7. They are adept at making others accept blame or responsibility for their transgressions
8. They are the most charming people on earth
9. THEY LIE
10. Did you get that folks? THEY LIE.
So What Would Jesus Do? Hell if I know. I keep asking, but so far I’m not doing such a good job at listening. I have, however, listened to the kind people at ALANON and NARANON. And I know that even though it might FEEL like I should let her come home, that I will not be doing HER a bit of good. Not to mention the damage to ME or most especially, to Austin. So today, when I got the email “Please mom, I have learned all the lessons in the world and I just can’t do any better than this, please let me come home I promise it will be different” I deleted the email with no reply.
And I feel like a dirtbag.