Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thursday Morning

I’m sitting in my office – it’s Thursday morning and I should be working. But my brain is struggling to unwrap itself from my anger and frustration.

I’m raising my grandson, Austin. Austin is 7, and he is truly wonderful, a gift from God. Yesterday he had to come to work with me – the county we live in was badly flooded on Monday, and the schools were closed for two days. He left a note for me on my office whiteboard: “don’t sped money on me exsept for a litesaber” “thak you very much, thak you SO much!”

Can I tell you that reading that makes me want to cry? It does. Partly for joy, and partly because it highlights his mother (my daughter)’s illness and selfishness. I am so damn angry at her that I can hardly think of her without feeling my blood pressure rise. So lately I do my damndest NOT to think of her. At times that makes me feel like a total shit-heel. Today I am aware that it is only self preservation and that I have every right to preserve myself. Unfortunately I took a glance at her FaceBook page BEFORE I remembered the whole self preservation thing. She has a new dog. And is desperate to get back together with her boyfriend, whom she wants to have a family with. This is the same “person” who was with her when she last showed up at my house. In the middle of the day. When I am normally at work. To “pick up her stuff”. When they left, some of MY stuff magically disappeared. My new saw. Never even out of the box, in fact, not yet completely paid for. Guess I don’t really need to replace the molding in my house after all. There is no more jewelry to disappear. No more cash in the house, no left over prescription drugs, no iPod, no new XM radio that I hadn’t been able to have installed yet. No Wii, no Guitar Hero….. What there IS in my house, is 5, yes FIVE, flipping cats (only one of which is mine) 2 dogs (also mine) and a parrot (NOT mine). And one boy. One wonderful, sweet, smart, handsome boy. Who hasn’t seen or heard from his “mother” since school started. Oh – wait – there WERE those two or three phone calls and a scattering of texts. Yeah – in which he was told that I stole him from her. Yeah – that’s me, the thief.

My next story was SUPPOSED to be about the beginning of this part of my life – but instead you got a rant from an angry woman….Maybe we will just start from here and see if you want to join me on my journey to raise Austin and get past my bitterness and disappointment in my daughter.

And just maybe, I might manage to find happiness and peace along the way!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

More Crap You Didn't Know about me....

1. I am the black sheep of my family. Not only was I the first one to
get divorced, I liked it so much I did it TWICE. But the real
reason.... I am the lone moderate in a very red family. They are close
to disowning me.

2. I am the hottest grandmother you will ever meet. (just ask me, I'll tell you!)

3. I am afraid of the water. That is the real reason I learned how to
dive. However, I think I might have saltwater in my veins now and I
really, REALLY miss the ocean.

4. When I am nervous or worried, I catch myself counting EVERYTHING. It drives me nuts.

5. I usually love my job. And I am damn good at it.

6. I am privileged to have the best friends in the world, some of whom I have never met face to face.

7. I would rather be outdoors than in, on just about any day of the year. Lack of sun makes me sad.

8. Green is my favorite scent. Yes, I said scent. Go outside in the spring, when the sun warms the trees... Or deep in the woods on a summer day. That scent... it's green.

9. I hate it when I am wrong or when I don't know the answer.

10. This summer I plan to take classes in water painting and photography. (instead I spent it in court)

11. I sing so badly the choir won't let me join. ;-)

12. I absolutely DETEST green peas. It makes me gag to see one on my plate, and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would willingly put then in their mouth!

13. I think spiders are fascinating, but having one ON me completely freaks me out.

14. I am secretly thrilled that Bonnie lets me pet her. (Bonnie is our red-lored parrot)

15. I think my dog Maggie is smarter than many people I've met. Sam, however, rides the short-bus.

16. I once worked at a pay by the hour hotel. As a maid. THAT was the worst job I ever had!

17. When I was 10 years old, I lived in Germany. And I accidentally stole a marble from a store in the town we lived in. For years, I had nightmares that the German police would arrest me for it.

18. I would love to go back to college. I will never, ever know as much as I want to know about all the things I am interested in.

19. When I grow up I want to be Wyn.

20. I am very uncomfortable in crowds, and for years, I suffered panic attacks when I had to be in one. I still don't like it when people I don't know touch me, but if I know you I will hug you nearly every time I see you.

21. My IQ is high enough to be in MENSA, but I have made some of the stupidest mistakes imaginable!

22. It drives me nuts that the 63% of eligible voters this election were a record turn out. And of those 63%, I bet half of them had no idea who was running for any office other than President. How do you
people think we got in this mess? So many are so quick to point at politicians, but WE elected them!

23. I love chocolate so much that I would bathe in it if I thought I could get away with it.

24. I think Pink absolutely rocks.

25. I still miss my son. Every single day.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Begining...

I've been requested to blog about my adventures raising my grandson, and I think that's a great idea. Below is a story I published last year on his birthday on another site - and is a great starting point for my...

Tales of Austin, the boy wonder!

Seven years ago today, my daughter called me when I was just walking in the door of my office. MOOOOMMM, (she was wailing) I think it's time! I asked if she was sure (there had been a few episodes of early labor and some later false labor) and told her I'd be there as soon as I could get back home. Oh, I sounded so calm! In reality, I was flinging my purse in one direction, laptop in another and had dropped my coffee. I was 37 years old, and about to be a grandmother. I closed my phone, promptly puked in the trash can, and sat in my chair to gather my thoughts. (just for a second…) then I grabbed the trash can and ran to the bathroom. In those days (still I worked in a gorgeous office, and we had BIG containers of mouthwash in the ladies room.

I was very grateful for that mouthwash.

When I made it back to my desk, the office Faery had gathered my belongings together and was waiting with a fresh cup of coffee, and sent me on my way. I still miss that office Faery!!!

I live in the North West corner of "The Greater Atlanta Metro Area". Jennifer had chosen to deliver in a hospital in the North EAST corner of said metro area. It was 29 miles of morning rush hour. Jennifer has NO pain tolerance. I am a maniac driver on a GOOD day. And at that time, I drove a big SUV. Let's just say that the trip that day is STILL legendary among Cobb, Fulton and Gwinnett's finest and leave it at that.

When we finally got to the hospital, the doc said she was just beginning labor, but that she wasn't ready to be admitted yet. All it took was one look and the doc decided maybe we could try a little dose of pitocin rather than sending us home. We walked all over that bleeping hospital… and eventually it was decided that it was time to admit. Before long, Jennifer's step father was there, Christian arrived with his parents, and I sat down for the first time since I got out of the truck. Things moved pretty fast from that point, and I was good to go until it was time for her epidural. That is one grotesque pop when they push that shot! Jenn was a trooper, but it was obvious the pain was more than she could handle, I'm glad she accepted the medication. Let me tell you, being in the delivery room when you are NOT the one delivering is MUCH better!

I won't share too much of the delivery, Jenn would be ever so thrilled with me.

When Austin was born, I held my breath. Here he was! I so wanted to hold him, to touch my grandson. My GRANDSON! What a little miracle, what and absolutely amazing thing! But I stayed back a bit – trying to give his parents some room. (This was really hard for me. But I did it)

The nurses brought him to the warming bed to clean him up and I called his name. He turned his head to me! That amazed me, and frankly, the nurses too. Jennifer laughed – she pointed out I'd been talking to him every day for months, of COURSE he knew my voice!

And that was when I saw it. My perfect baby grandson was retracting. It's a sign there are issues with breathing, it's common in cardiac babies. And I had seen it before. Then I saw the look on the nurse's face as she turned to pick up the phone. I don't know how I got there so fast but I whispered "what's wrong"? "Oh nothing" she said… "bullshit" I replied, "he is retracting, what's going on?" They called for ICU, and I nearly lost my mind right there in the room. That is a hard thing to do when you are struggling to keep your daughter from seeing what's happening, and you know that being calm is the best choice. Jennifer was scared to death, Christian looked like he'd been hit by a bus and had no clue what the hell was going on. The Doc didn't have much to say, just tried to reassure us that Austin was going to be ok. Jenn was afraid to let them take Austin and insisted I go too. Well, they of course wouldn't let me in the ICU right away, so I stood in front of the doors, desperately hoping they would come back and say they'd made a mistake and he was fine.

They didn't.

I wanted to be outside, but my legs wouldn't carry me, so I slid down the wall and lost it. I didn't give a damn about the rest of the crap in my life, all I could think was "Why? HOW could this be happening again?" I was struggling to control myself, and failing miserably. I called my parents – my father answered. He could hear me crying and I know that freaked him out – déjà vu for him as well as me. "I'm on the way" he said. "Tell me where to come." God I needed my dad… But I told him to wait until we knew what was going on. Just hearing his voice helped.

Much of the next few days is a blur – Austin spent three days in ICU, and ultimately he is healthy and whole. Some babies don't transition well, and he was one of them. His heart is fine, his lungs (trust me on this one!) are healthy. But that was a VERY long three days and I am glad it is all over and far in the past.

Today, I'm thinking about that day. Today Austin is 7. He hangs in that balance of baby and young man… and would be SO unamused that I still see my baby grandson in his face! (so let's not tell him, OK?) He is such a wonder! I love seeing his mom in him, and even more, seeing myself in his eyes. (If he was going to inherit a feature from me, at least it was my best one!)

Guitar Hero Legends of Rock is in the trunk of my car. Yeah, it's too old for him, but he wants it. This one has two guitar controllers, so he and his mom can play together. He has been asking for it for 6 months. He has looked all over the house trying to find his birthday presents – still has no idea what he is getting. Last night we baked cupcakes for his class. He is so excited today! I've been singing Happy Birthday to him for a week. He is not amused when I sing "You look like a monkey, and you smell like one too" lol. Poor kid has a lunatic for a Noni….

And his Noni absolutely ADORES him.